WAT USA Summer 2008 Recruitment Roadshow - Helper Shortlist
From: Speedwing (xxxxxxxxx@gasi.com.sg)
Sent: 13 September 2007 08: 10AM
To: ;
Dear You
Thank you for indicating your interest in helping out at the Work & Travel USA Summer 2008 Recruitment Roadshow. You have been shortlisted to be in the team of helpers at this event.
We would now like to confirm that you will be able to commit to the dates required. Please read through the following details below and reply to this e-mail to confirm whether you are (1) able to meet the dates and times (2) or not. Please kindly reply by this Friday 14 Sep 2007 (tomorrow). Thanks!
Details:
Briefing Session (compulsory)
Date: 13th Oct 2007 (Sat)
Time: 2pm - 4pm (approximate)
Pay: unpaid (but fingerfood and dessert will be provided)
Venue: TBA
Description: Students will be briefed on individual roles and responsibilities for the recruitment roadshow. The emphasis is on the importance of each student understanding his or her role so as to enable the successful running of the actual recruitment roadshow.
Recruitment Roadshow - Work & Travel USA Summer 2008
Date: 20th Oct 2007 (Sat)
Time: 7am - 6pm
Pay: S$6 per hour inclusive of lunchtime (lunch will be provided)
Venue: Orchard Hotel Ballroom
Description: Actual recruitment event where US employers and CIEE personnel will be giving presentations and conductng interviews with new applicants for the upcoming season. Each of your roles will be crucial to the smooth operation of the event.
As we are selecting students based on approximate numbers required for each employer, please do not be troubled in case your friend(s) have not been included. This e-mail is specifically for you. We can only finalise the list of helpers depending on the overall response. Hence, once again, please kindly reply by this Friday, 14 Sep 2007 (tomorrow). Please do not hesitate to check with me if you have any questions. Thanks and I look forward to your response!
Best regards
Mingshen
Speedwing Training (Asia) Pte Ltd
x Goldhill Plaza, #xx-xx, Singapore xxxxxx
Tel: 65-6xxx-xxxx ext. x Fax: 65-6xxx-xxxx
Website: http://www.speedwing.org/
Monday to Friday
10 AM - 12 PM and 2 PM - 5 PM
(By appointment only)
Moving Beyond Borders, Learning Beyond Limits
My Critique:
The purpose of this email is to inform me that I've been shortlisted to help out at a Work & Travel USA Summer 2008 Recruitment Roadshow. It follows an appropriate format, where the sender, date of email sent, subject, salutation and sender address are clearly stated. However, as this is a computer generated email, the receiver of the letter is not stated but merely replaced by a ";", while the letter is addressed to "dear you", not having that personal touch of addressing the receiver by name. This is clearly lacking a form of courtesy.
Next, the email proceeds to inform the receiver of relevant information pertaining to the event. Information is passed on very clearly and concisely, with important names printed in bold, while other important details like instructions on what to do next and closing dates printed in red to draw the reader's attention and emphasize its importance. Further details are then printed in blue to indicate a set of information that one has to take note if he/she reads the email another time but does not want to take the hassle of reading the introduction and ending of the email but go straight to the point for relevant event details. One thing to take not here is that though all information is clear and precise, some readers might not understand the use of short forms like TBA (To Be Advised) and so the sender should refrain from using it but spell it out in full instead.
Finally, the sender concludes the email and signs off rather informally, which I think is not a bad thing as it adds a bit of personal touch and friendliness. He also provides information such as address, phone number, email and even opening hours to facilitate the reader on how, when and where to reply or respond to the email. Simple, coherent and accurate use of language is evident in the email, giving the reader a sense of completeness after reading the email, knowing that there is no information lacking whatsoever. Overall a very professional electronic mail.
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Hi Lester!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that overall, it is a rather professional email. Kudos to the writer of the email for being coherent, complete and concise in relaying the information to you.
I also agree with you that the level of courtesy for this email could be improved. For example, instead of "Dear You", he should have just written "Dear Sir/Madam" if he did not want to use your name in the salutation, after which he should have signed off with "Yours faithfully".
Regards,
Faidah.
Hey man,
ReplyDeleteI do agree with you about the use of "Dear You" and in my opinion, this sets the letter off on a very impersonal note. As a reader, the use of such a phrase certainly will not impress me, nonetheless make me feel special. More effort can be made to ensure that the reader is properly acknowledged by printing his name even though it might be a computer generated letter. Also, since the aim of this letter is to enlist the reader's help, it would be sound more professional if the level of formality is kept consistent throughout the letter. Using "thanks" instead of "thank you" or "we appreciate" adds nuances of informality to the letter. Apart from these points, the letter seems pretty competent in terms of fulfilling the 7cs.
Regards,
Hanrong
Hi Lester,
ReplyDeleteI certainly do agree with the rest regarding on how thet address the readers by 'Dear you'. Seeing in at the start of the letter already give the reader a feeling that this must be a computer generated letter whom others have received as well. Besides this, I would say that the letter is quite well written with concise information and details.
Cheers
Sherri :)